In the crazy world of magazines, there’s this thing called the Back Page, where all the super weird stuff that couldn’t fit anywhere else goes. Some people might call it “filler,” but we prefer to think of it as “a whole page to unleash terrible jokes that sort of relate to the rest of the mag.” We may not have physical pages on the internet, but we still love our terrible jokes, so welcome to our semi-regular feature, Back Page.
Today, Jim is taking a moment to think about all the poor souls who didn’t make the cut for Mario Kart World…
Remember back at E3 2018 when Smash Ultimate boldly claimed that “everyone is here”? Well, I’ve been crunching some numbers since then, and let me tell you, a couple of things just don’t add up. Do you spot Peepa in Ultimate? What about Coin Coffer? Does Cataquack ring any bells for you folks?!
Those names I just dropped? They’re real Mario characters, and they’re all cruising around in Mario Kart World. How can you claim “everyone is here” with a straight face when you’re leaving out Cow from the lineup?
Sure, World may have ditched Link, the Inklings, and a few Animal Crossing pals (as far as we know), but this roster digs deep into the archives of ‘Mario Characters You Didn’t Know Had A Silly Little Name.’
While I’m itching to discuss how half of these newcomers are even managing to drive a car — Goomba? Fish Bone? Where are your limbs, guys?? — let me tell you about a little file I stumbled upon: ‘Mario Characters You Didn’t Know Had A Silly Little Name – Part 2.’ How about we take it even further, huh?
Don’t worry, Nintendo, Jim’s got your back. Forget the obvious choices like E. Gadd and Geno, here’s a list of 14 deep cuts that haven’t made an appearance in the trailers yet (not to say they won’t show up in the final game), but definitely deserve a shot at the starting line. And yes, I’m dead serious…
Wart
Last seen: The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening
Come on, you can’t spell Mario Kart World without Wart (I double-checked). Who’s Wart, you ask? He’s the chubby frog causing chaos in Super Mario Bros. 2. He also moonlights as a singing frog in Link’s Awakening.
If DK, Bowser, and King Boo have proven anything, it’s that big dudes on tiny bikes are a winning formula.
Cappy
Last seen: Super Mario Odyssey
Not the most obscure pick, but seriously, where’s Cappy been hiding? After the success of Odyssey, you’d expect Mario’s cap buddy to be all over the place, but has he shown his face since then? Nope!
The current roster in World makes it clear that you don’t need arms and legs to drive, so it’s about time more inanimate objects joined the ranks.
F.L.U.D.D
Last seen: Super Mario 3D All-Stars
Thought I’d mention one inanimate pal and skip out on the other? Not a chance! Who says F.L.U.D.D can’t handle a kart? There aren’t any cars in Super Mario Sunshine, so there’s no proof that F.L.U.D.D can’t drive. Case closed.
Tatanga
Last seen: Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins
So you’re telling me that Dolphin made the cut, but the cute little alien in a spaceship from Super Mario Land and 6 Golden Coins didn’t? What’s the deal with that?
Culex
Last seen: Super Mario RPG
You know what’s missing in the Mario Kart World roster? Some buff interdimensional beings with a sprinkle of Final Fantasy flair in their design. Culex fits the bill quite nicely.
I mean, the Super Mario RPG Switch remake gave this villain a 3D makeover, and you can’t spend that much time sculpting abs without getting a chance to flaunt them.
Burt
Last seen: Yoshi’s Crafted World
Sure, Poochy might be the obvious choice here, but that’s too easy! Let’s see Burt behind the wheel. The World roster is loaded with Mario baddies, so it’s only fair to include some Yoshi villains too.
And while we’re at it, why not throw in Yoshi’s Woolly design in Mario Kart???
Fawful
Last seen: Mario & Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story + Bowser Jr.’s Journey
Who doesn’t adore Fawful?
I don’t have much more to say, but I’m convinced Fawful would rock a kart. Those massive white teeth, the potential for a flowing cloak in the wind, the vibrant green skin; talk about pushing the visuals of the Switch 2 to the limit.
Bully
Last seen: Super Mario 3D World + Bowser’s Fury
We’ve got nearly every little guy on board, so why not include Bully? Is he too angry? Is his road rage a problem? We need answers!
At least put him in Battle Mode so we can bump into him repeatedly.
Maw-Ray
Last seen: The Super Mario Bros. Movie
Really, Nintendo? You’re throwing in every underwater enemy (even the deceased ones), but Maw-Ray is still on the sidelines? Especially when he shows up in almost every underwater course in Mario Kart Tour and a few other tracks in the series?
Come on, Maw-Ray fans, let’s make some noise about this injustice.
Question Block
Last seen: Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door
Let’s talk about a heavy hitter. Where’s Question Block? This guy has appeared in almost every Mario game to date, but he still doesn’t have a driver’s seat?
My theory is that he’s too skilled behind the wheel, and his inclusion would upset the balance of the series. That’s gotta be why he’s still left out.
Warp Pipe
Last seen: Super Mario Party Jamboree
While we’re mentioning racers waiting in the wings, let’s give it up for Warp Pipe. And don’t give me any of that “it’s just an object, how can it drive” nonsense. Have you seen Fish Bone cruising around? It’s literally a fish bone!
Standard Kart
Last seen: Mario Kart Tour
Nope, I’m not running out of ideas, you’re running out of ideas!
Chris Pratt
Last seen: Uhh… did anyone even watch The Electric State?
The roster addition we truly need. Grab some Dash Food to unlock various Pratt-inspired outfits like Star Lord, Owen Grady, The Lego Movie’s Emmet, and a bunch of other characters that I definitely didn’t have to Google.
T-Rex
Last seen: Super Mario Odyssey
Those short arms got me chuckling. I’m only human.
Well, that’s a wrap! There you have it, every possible Mario character that could grace MKW. Yep, not a single one missing. Cast your vote in the poll for the character you’d most like to see added, and if by some slim chance I missed a character (highly unlikely), drop a comment with your pick.
